Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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