god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
