Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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