My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
