I'm gonna have a badass scar
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
