i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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