I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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