Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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