i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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