I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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