Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
