I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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