can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Randomize
