Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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