I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
