how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
