The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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