and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
