My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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