Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
