yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
