You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Who died my cat blue again?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
