There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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