so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
