My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
