I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
