My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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