hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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