K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
