When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
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He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
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"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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