I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
