seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
