halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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