he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
