Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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