Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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