You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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