Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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