I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
