he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
