It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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