I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
