I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
