Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
