I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
