Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
