One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
