mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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