I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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