The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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