Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
