Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
