just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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