sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
