when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
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I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
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Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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