I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
