just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
