2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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