I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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